|
My Healing - Rejection
My birth was a difficult one, my mother never really recovered from it, she became an anxious depressive, and has blamed me for it ever since...It is not because My Mother is a bad person, it is because depression, changes you as a person, and you are unable to respond in the normal way, it is a Mental illness, the person involved has diminished responsibility. I love my Mother very much, its just that she is unable to return that love for me.......
I grew up feeling rejected, guilt ridden, with a lot of emotional difficulties, and with a desperate need to be loved by my Mother.
My Father was a good man, and loved me best he could, but in those days, money was scarce, so he had to work 7 days a week to make ends which meant I saw precious little of him...
Not surprisingly I went off the rails a little as a teenager, and as it is with those who feel rejected, ended up in abusive relationships.
In the late 80's I went to an evangelistic outreach, hosted by Dr Billy Graham, and I became a Christian.
My life started to turn around bit by bit, with the help of Christian teaching.
I became an Evangelical Anglican, and was in a Church which had a counseling ministry, so I was able to come to terms with my early rejection, of which there were many, and start to forgive....
I was Married with 2 girls and a Son, when my Husband suffered a heart attack and died in1997.
During my grieving time, I had a lot of support from my church, and eventually met the lovely Man I am now married to, he is a Cradle Catholic, he introduced me to the Catholic Faith, which I converted to, after an RCIA course, the year 2003 at the Easter Vigil.
I have had much inner healing since my conversion to Catholicism, but the most important to me, happened this year, September 2006.:-
Maybe its living in the West, or maybe its because we live in the age of reason, and everything has a logical explanation, that I had slowly lost my ability to believe, that there is life after death, don't get me wrong, I still believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, most passionately, I was still going to Church each week but somehow, I couldn't convince myself that there was anything more after death...
This last September My husband and I went to Medjugorje, mostly because some good friends, had recently visited there, and were so enthused about every aspect of Medjugorje, that we decided we would try and go if we could. this was at the end of July, or early August, in reality, there shouldn't have been any places left on our regional flight, but when I enquired about, the possibility, the lady told me, she had been given 2 extra seats to fill, just that very morning..
Mid September then, found us in Medjugorje, we fell in love with the place, almost immediately. Even though there was a lot of modern day things, like cars, phones, TV's, mobile phones,.... the whole of the towns values, and morals, radiated around the Church. somehow with the help of the Holy Spirit this touches the depths of your emotions, and releases pent up emotions that are buried, deep inside, and the need for the sacrament of reconciliation, is always present.
One night, it was raining, with thunder, the loud thunder must have aroused me from sleep, when I awoke, I was sobbing and sobbing until I thought I would never stop, realising how I was hurting, and how much buried unforgivness I had towards my Son, because of his chosen lifestyle.
I love my Son very much, and if he hurts me, I tend to overlook how I'm feeling, and just love him as best I can, convincing myself that he will change as he gets older, the problem is that all this emotion gets buried deep inside, and gets forgotten about, we tend to build inner walls around our hurts, to protect them, because we can't cope with the reality of what is happening to us, so the pain just sits there and festers.
I am convinced, that is why we get ill sometimes, but that's just my theory, which incidentally is backed up by lots of medics,.
I spent most of the night crying, and was very aware that God was speaking to my heart about the way I have been feeling, and he was also showing me that I had not given up these feelings to him for healing.
I spent the rest of the night, giving my feelings to God my Father, and letting him take the burden, I could hardly wait until the next day to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. True repentance and reconciliation is a gift of the Holy Spirit, and comes from the depth of your heart, when God intervenes in your life in this way, inner healing is always the result.
Late one afternoon as we were walking in the Church grounds, I happened to glance at the sun, and stopped in my tracks, I saw the sun spinning, and what looked like flames coming out from all around it, it then turned a magenta colour, finally it seemed to turn into what looked to me, like a perfect host, of the purest white colour, with a cross in the center.
I was experiencing a whole range of emotions, God was doing really lovely things in my heart, somehow, please don't ask me how, this experience, changed my heart, because I slowly began to realise that I was now able to believe in life after death, without any doubt, and that still stands, also I found I was open to love, and wanted to love.....If anybody tells you about what they saw, while in Medjugorje, ask the question "what was happening in your heart during and after this experience".
Without a doubt these signs, (even if they can be explained in a scientific way, I am sure God uses his creation for the good of his people) or visions, whatever label you care to put on them, are to strengthen your faith, and to be more open to the gifts of the Holy Spirit, Visions, dreams, words of knowledge, and love, most of all love.
At the end of our pilgrimage, when we landed at our local airport, our Son was there to meet us, I just broke down in tears, and asked his forgiveness. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since then., and interestingly my Son's behavior has changed a lot.
As an added bonus, I now love to pray the Rosary, and see it as a powerful weapon against satan. No big deal you might say, but for a former protestant, in my book that's a miracle.
New notes added. December 2006:-
I have discovered something amazing that has happened to me, since my return from Medjugorje in September. I no longer hurt because my Mother rejected me because of a difficult birth, some 52 years ago.
I have now found deep within my heart the Mother's love, that I was always seeking, a Mother who loves me, who prays for me, who feels my pain, who believes in me, who has an intercessory prayer ministry, and who hold me in her heart.....
I have found my Mothers love, in the Mother of the Church, the most Holy Virgin Mary, and more amazingly I am now free to love my earthly Mother with an unconditional love, that is not demanding of returned love....
When I was an Evangelical Anglican , I was told that God himself was my Mother, who loved me, and I guess that is true, but for me, I needed a Mother figure, and he gave me Mary...... thank you, thank you , thank you, my beloved heavenly Father for taking away my pain, and setting me free....
I personally feel God our father, through Mary, is calling us back to a faith filled walk with Jesus, and for what its worth, I feel Medjugorje is so full of Gods grace at the moment, it is impossible to go there, and not be blessed in some way.
I have come to the conclusion that inner healing is a life long process, and can be a way of purification and Holiness. Certainly I am no longer upset about my past hurts, as I can quite plainly see, that for me, they have been a way of purification, that has brought me closer and closer to the heart of God my Father.
In the following website pages, I will endeavour to bring to you, news of Catholic Healing Ministries, that of course have their Bishops approval, and are in good standing with the Catholic Church as a whole...
We have an Internet community, where you can discuss important Catholic Issues, get Prayer support, and meet new friends
|
